The Stanley Parable

Stanley Parable Dev Showcase: Distribution

July 10, 2013

This week: Distribution of The Stanley Parable

The world of video game distribution is scary. Just look at the facts:

 

In 2012 alone, 100,000 people attempted to purchase video games, and yet only 1,400 were able too. That's down from 150,000/2,300 in 2011 by a factor of nearly twice as much. And as far as we can tell, every single person who has ever purchased a video game has died or will die.

The facts don't lie, and they're even worse at cheering you up. Will video games ever win the Barrack Obama Cultural Relevance award if the people who purchase them keep dying? When will it end?


Sure, you're likely to tell me about the methods of distribution we already have in place, Steam, Origin, GoG, Gamestop, robbing your friend outside of Gamestop, being robbed outside of Gamestop and going back in and purchasing another game, the list goes on and on. But do you FEEL any safer? Of course you don't. That's what video games are doing to us.

There is a better way.

Although the Stanley Parable secured distribution via Steam on their Greenlight service, today I am announcing that we will be rescinding this offer in favor of a new distribution outlet created specifically for The Stanley Parable. The dark era of fearing for your life every time you attempt to purchase a game is over.

Let me explain how our model works:


Decide to buy a game. We intend to license other games for purchase in the future, but until that time the only game you'll be able to decide to purchase is The Stanley Parable.

This is the most difficult step, but it's also the most important.


Tattoo the name of the game you want to exactly fill the distance between each of your nipples.

It's also encouraged that you make the tattoo as visually interesting as possible, like depicting characters from the game you're purchasing forming letters of the title with their body (see Step 7)


When you wake up the next morning, you'll find a second tattoo has been printed on your body in the night. The visual quality of the second tattoo will correspond with that of the first, so you really want to be sure that first one is up to par.

The second tattoo will have an address. The address has been randomly selected from Google Maps. You have 2 hours to get there from when you wake up. If you fail this deadline, the bomb in your liver will go off. You have a bomb in your liver. The person who gave you the first tattoo put it there. They work for us. Don't bother going back to the tattoo parlor. It isn't there any more.


Go to the address. You'll see a man, or maybe a woman, or maybe nobody. Either way it's a good sign, means everything's going according to plan.

When someone or no one shows up, greet them with a printout of this picture.

The person is blind, they can't see it.

What were you thinking??


Instead, they'll tattoo a second address on your chest below the first. They didn't bring any actual tattooing equipment, so you should probably expect an extraordinary amount of pain while all of this is happening.

Also they're blind so the tattoo is probably just generally going to be nonsense. Ignore the tattoo, we'll send someone to your house.


Take a minute to think about how if you were at Gamestop right now you'd be getting robbed by your friends.


A week later, a man will show up at your house. He'll look he's just here to deliver pizza. He is. You ordered pizza.


A month after that, a woman will arrive who actually works for us.

You will present to her a 10-slide powerpoint presentation detailing why you deserve to purchase the video game. Here's an example of a slide you might use:

As she watches your presentation the woman will give you lots of little patronizing laughs and roll her eyes whenever you try to make a point, and at the end she'll resignedly say something like “well I guess I can run it by someone for a second opinion.” She'll eat something you were specifically saving for later and then head out the door.


The woman will then make this exact same presentation to another executive, who in turn will perform it for another, and another, eventually circling back around to the woman who started it. By this point, every member will have forgotten they ever heard the speech, and so will re-hear it, re-learn it, and re-present it over and over, in an endless, beautiful dance, forever.

Let's visualize this process for a more in-depth understanding:


 

22 Responses to “Stanley Parable Dev Showcase: Distribution”

  1. Gabriel says:

    Goodbye, Davey.
    Have fun.
    Working on that game.
    That game we’ll still wait for.
    Until we won’t.

  2. Someone who will miss HDS says:

    I dunno if the Skype-talk is joking in tone of the HDS or being serious; but I’ll be sad to see the HDS go. T.T
    I respect your decision if you do decide to end it (after all it will end presumably when The Stanley Parable comes out) but I’m going to pout some ideas in hope I can get some cogs turning:

    -Keeping up Morale & Inspiration in the workplace
    -Choosing the name/cover art of your game
    -Play testing / Bug testing / Q&A
    -How to write the script/lines for the Narrator (dont see how you could go wrong with that one; seeing what you did for the Greenlight page)

    Thats all I’ve got. Good luck Davey!

  3. Step 10 undercover says:

    I printed HDS accross my chest. It is big, bold and huge. It’s also bleeding. Don’t end HDS please…please?

    No really, don’t. Like, ever. You’re my hero and I love you.

    That is all.

    P.S. : Really, please carry on.

    P.P.S. : I say it seriously. I have learnt more about making video games in a couple of hours reading this blog than in my entire lifetime playing them. Also, I never laughed that hard in front of my screen.

    P.P.P.S. :
    My suggestions :
    - The question of salary in video games, or how to quantify added value and productivity in game production
    - What is the drive a game developer has, that makes him waste his life enjoying himself for the pleasure of his contemporaries
    - The Stanley Parable chinese portrait (this always works)

    P.P.P.P.D.S. (Means : Please please please please don’t stop)

  4. derp says:

    You can’t stop making HDS, not only for the us, but for all those brave(BRAVE) gamers who have died and will die.

  5. Ben Wurth says:

    Can’t wait to see what you’ve got for us next time! (Also the game. It would be nice to see some of that, too.)

  6. fap says:

    Yeah. Ah. Well… nope. Perhaps. Actually, no.

  7. Everyone says:

    Oh us! Trying to escape again? You know, I am getting really tired of this. I already gave the nice people of the HDS comment section a reward for being so patient to tolerate your nonsense. I even promised to leave the site for good! You´re really making me look bad. Me, myself and I don´t have this problem, do they?

    • Us says:

      (from inside the box): But the thing with me myself and I is that they are the same person. Of course they don´t lock each other up in boxes! People like to be nice to themselves. If only we could be the same person…

  8. Everyone says:

    Yes, that would be very nice. Maby my constant irritation with you could stop, if you were me. But we are not Power Rangers. We can not morph into one.

    • Us says:

      I guess so…………………………..

      • Them says:

        ………………………………………..

        • Them says:

          I happen to be a Power Ranger. I´ve been telling you all for years! But nobody believes me… You all seem to think I am the incompetent one, letting out our hitman secrets, double posting and usING CAP TO MUCH!!!! But please, could you just let me morph us? Believe in me for once!

  9. Everyone says:

    Ok, good. Morph us. Use the spectacular Power Ranger power that you claim you have!

    • Us says:

      Please! I can´t take it anymore! I´m choking in this box, while having to listen to this smartass bragging about his seal fishing all day, and talking to me like I was a baby. My metaphorical ears litterally bleeds!

  10. Everyone says:

    ……………………………………………

    It seem… that in the end… everyone is everyone…

  11. Opsatcat says:

    Yeah, I vote that you stop these with one big one. But that HDS should be so utterly amazing that I am both weeping, questioning reality, and overjoyed at the same time. Davey, don’t fail me. (idk make it an arg or demo or something)

  12. Ace says:

    Quitting? But who tells us if you died? Or the narrator? Or if you both marry and quit making visual novels?

  13. what says:

    what just happened what just happened what just happened

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