This week: Distribution of The Stanley Parable
The world of video game distribution is scary. Just look at the facts:
In 2012 alone, 100,000 people attempted to purchase video games, and yet only 1,400 were able too. That's down from 150,000/2,300 in 2011 by a factor of nearly twice as much. And as far as we can tell, every single person who has ever purchased a video game has died or will die.
The facts don't lie, and they're even worse at cheering you up. Will video games ever win the Barrack Obama Cultural Relevance award if the people who purchase them keep dying? When will it end?
Sure, you're likely to tell me about the methods of distribution we already have in place, Steam, Origin, GoG, Gamestop, robbing your friend outside of Gamestop, being robbed outside of Gamestop and going back in and purchasing another game, the list goes on and on. But do you FEEL any safer? Of course you don't. That's what video games are doing to us.
There is a better way.
Although the Stanley Parable secured distribution via Steam on their Greenlight service, today I am announcing that we will be rescinding this offer in favor of a new distribution outlet created specifically for The Stanley Parable. The dark era of fearing for your life every time you attempt to purchase a game is over.
Let me explain how our model works:
Decide to buy a game. We intend to license other games for purchase in the future, but until that time the only game you'll be able to decide to purchase is The Stanley Parable.
This is the most difficult step, but it's also the most important.
Tattoo the name of the game you want to exactly fill the distance between each of your nipples.
It's also encouraged that you make the tattoo as visually interesting as possible, like depicting characters from the game you're purchasing forming letters of the title with their body (see Step 7)
When you wake up the next morning, you'll find a second tattoo has been printed on your body in the night. The visual quality of the second tattoo will correspond with that of the first, so you really want to be sure that first one is up to par.
The second tattoo will have an address. The address has been randomly selected from Google Maps. You have 2 hours to get there from when you wake up. If you fail this deadline, the bomb in your liver will go off. You have a bomb in your liver. The person who gave you the first tattoo put it there. They work for us. Don't bother going back to the tattoo parlor. It isn't there any more.
Go to the address. You'll see a man, or maybe a woman, or maybe nobody. Either way it's a good sign, means everything's going according to plan.
When someone or no one shows up, greet them with a printout of this picture.
The person is blind, they can't see it.
What were you thinking??
Instead, they'll tattoo a second address on your chest below the first. They didn't bring any actual tattooing equipment, so you should probably expect an extraordinary amount of pain while all of this is happening.
Also they're blind so the tattoo is probably just generally going to be nonsense. Ignore the tattoo, we'll send someone to your house.
Take a minute to think about how if you were at Gamestop right now you'd be getting robbed by your friends.
A week later, a man will show up at your house. He'll look he's just here to deliver pizza. He is. You ordered pizza.
A month after that, a woman will arrive who actually works for us.
You will present to her a 10-slide powerpoint presentation detailing why you deserve to purchase the video game. Here's an example of a slide you might use:
As she watches your presentation the woman will give you lots of little patronizing laughs and roll her eyes whenever you try to make a point, and at the end she'll resignedly say something like “well I guess I can run it by someone for a second opinion.” She'll eat something you were specifically saving for later and then head out the door.
The woman will then make this exact same presentation to another executive, who in turn will perform it for another, and another, eventually circling back around to the woman who started it. By this point, every member will have forgotten they ever heard the speech, and so will re-hear it, re-learn it, and re-present it over and over, in an endless, beautiful dance, forever.
Let's visualize this process for a more in-depth understanding: